it was late september two years ago
frank cash was down on his luck
he'd made a killing at churchill downs
and that left him somewhat thunderstruck

so he rented a place down on lonely street
he was looking for somewhere to hide
the paper showed up at the door every day
and he'd go through the classifieds

then one morning he turned to the sports page
and he noticed that something was strange
the race results were from the day before
but the football scores were from next week's games
frank felt a scared and a little deranged
but a switch board lit up in his brain

that sunday he watched in amazement
as the scores flashed by on his tv set
monday morning he ran for the paper
and made it to the phone and began placing bets
he put ten thousand that night on the jets
ten grand he didn't have on the jets

it happened like that the whole season
he couldn't even count all the money he'd made
he started buying italian women and shoes
which he kept on a sprawling estate on the lake
and by that i don't mean by the lake
i mean ON the lake

he waited all summer for the football to start
the maiden brought him the paper every day
but all he could find was yesterday's scores
the damned paper had ceased to prognosticate
then a look of horror crossed his face
it finally dawned on him but too late

his rolls hit the pavement at a hundred and twenty
heading for lonely street
he rang the bell and a john walker answered
frank pressed his luck against the door screen

frank asked if he still got the paper
john walker said "what do you care?"
frank answered "i need to see the sports section
just for a minute" and john walker stared

frank tried to push through the doorway
john pulled a real forty-five
the dogs were all barking as the rolls pulled away
john walker was no longer alive

the judge looks down through his bifocals
the peers of the jury squirm in their seats
the courtroom is silent except for his footsteps
frank cash is about to speak

and frank says:

your honour and ladies and gentlemen of the jury
all this has been happening to me because of this guy
named t bone burnett. he's been making all this up
and i just want to say i don't believe in him
in fact i don't even think he exists and not only that
BUT THIS SONG IS OVER

frank got a suspended sentence
the jury ruled it was self defense
they ignored his statement
on the grounds it didn't make any sense

frank cash had a pretty good year
considering the dizzy chain of events
that paper was never delivered again
but i gave him back all the money he'd spent

and he married a woman with a lot of soul
and his first son will become president
if you see him tall him i said "hello"
and that i'm happy to be able to call him my friend

[t bone burnett / tonio k]